9 Tips For Interfaith Couples

There is a book due out later this year called In Faith and In Doubt  which will be about marriages where one partner is religious and the other not. A couple of different places online have already featured a list that is supposedly in the book about the 9 things the author feels a couple in such a marriage needs to do; I thought it would be interesting to put our marriage up against that list.



#1. Never try to convert or de-convert your partner. 

I don't think either of us has ever tried to do this to the other, though we have both been guilty of making comments that amounted to "my life would be easier if you would just believe what I believe".




#2. Talk about your differences of belief as early as possible in the relationship.

We are a huge failure at this one, and by we, I mean me.

I suppose I can claim some innocence with regards to not telling Margaret I was an atheist early in the relationship because even though its probably fair to say I already was one when we met, I hadn't really figured that out for myself yet; its was only really after admitting to myself that I don't believe in God that I was able to look back at my life and see that going from a believer to non-believer was a 25 year fight.

But I can't claim any innocence on my lack of interest in learning about Margaret's faith. I had always assumed that any reasonable sounding Christian I met believed the same sort of things I had believed when I was an Anglican; the idea that other faiths could be very different never occurred to me. And since coming to realize that LDS believe some very different things than Anglicans I have wanted to talk about it even less because it has become a very touchy subject between us.

A good example of something Mormons
believe in that Anglicans don't.

#3. Work out agreements for all shared practices, including churchgoing, parenting, and family religious identity, by defining your negotiables and non-negotiables. 

We have definitely failed at this, and I think its fair to say that I am largely to blame for the failure.






#4. Focus on shared values more than different beliefs.

Here is something which we excel at. Margaret and I have a lot of shared values, from the very little to the very big. And the things we don't agree on by and large are things that don't affect us very much.

Actually, as much as I enjoy talking with my wife about a wide array of subjects, it would be kind of embarrassing if somebody were to overhear us, because there are no shortage of times when we have conversations where our views are so in line that we are just endlessly agreeing with each other.





#5. Make personal respect non-negotiable, even as you question and challenge each other’s ideas.

I think its probably fair to say that a big part of the reason I don't like to challenge Margaret's ideas on subjects that are either directly or peripherally tied to religion is precisely because I don't know how to do it in a way that I wouldn't fear being disrespectful. (even in writing this post I am terrified that I am being disrespectful)

I don't know how much of an improvement silence is over disrespect, but I hope it is at least a little bit of one.




#6. Engage in and learn about each other’s worldviews — and that must be a two-way street.

As this point has a lot of overlap with previous ones I feel like I am repeating myself. We have definitely failed at this, and I blame myself. I am uncomfortable discussing anything of real consequence with other people, especially those I care about, when we are in disagreement, both because I fear offending them and because my social anxiety tends to kick in during these types of conversations and I find myself struggling to follow the conversation, much less properly express my point of view.





#7. Remember that the opinions of believers are not always the same as the doctrines of their churches, just as believers must remember that the opinions of nonbelievers are not always the same as those of prominent atheists.

The fact that I came to know Margaret very well before I had much of an understanding about her church has meant that there has been little chance of my making wrong assumptions about her beliefs based on her faith; if anything I have at times made wrong assumptions about her church based on her beliefs.

The opposite is also true, Margaret and I had been married several years before I realized that I was an atheist so I don't think she has ever assumed the views of Dawkins, Hitchens or others to be mine (if she's even heard them at all).

It's a level of strange only rivaled by Ricky and the Muppets
 somehow making an unfunny movie together.

#8. Raise children with the freedom to choose their own religious or nonreligious identity. Expose them to many traditions, beliefs, and practices.

We have agreed that Robbie should be able to choose for himself, though when that choice should be made and what should happen in the years before it is made has not always been clear or easy for us.

But as for the second half of this, I have trouble with it and always have. Atheism isn't a belief, its a lack of beliefs (or as Bill Maher once said "Not only is atheism not my religion, its not even my hobby"), and I don't know how to explain to Robbie why I don't believe in God without sounding like I am saying "that thing your mother believes in, is completely wrong"; I don't know how to explain my position without attacking his mother's position, and as it would be wrong to do that for many reasons, I have never told Robbie anything about my thoughts on religion beyond simply "I don't believe in God".

If I feel I cannot tell Robbie why I think theistic beliefs are wrong, why would I be accepting of people who are strangers to me telling him that I am wrong? I can accept his mother teaching him about God because she is his mother, and he can and should learn about her beliefs.

But, of course, part of Margaret's beliefs include that children should be involved in a number of programs to teach them about God and such. For me it is a very difficult thing to agree to some stranger teaching him, especially because, just as #7 noted, people of the same faith can have very different beliefs. I just don't see any upside to having an adult who is not one of his parents being put in an authority position over him to teach him lessons of faith.

However, there is something much more deep and personal about why I am hesitant to subject Robbie to religious indoctrination at a young age. My experience, and the experience of most atheists who were born to religious parents, is that the journey from being a person of faith to one without faith is a very long and painful one.

If I knew that if Robbie joined the LDS church and could spend his whole life in it being happy and fulfilled, then I would be happy for him to go. If in the near future he decides to go on his own, I will be OK with that too. But I could not live with myself if I was complicit in forcing him to go as a young child, only to have him go through the struggles I went through coming to term with his own lack of faith.

I wouldn't know what to do if at 35 years old Robbie came up to me and asked why I made him go to church when I knew from first hand experience how painful deconverting can be.




#9. Support and protect each other from mistreatment or disrespect, especially by those who share your worldview, including extended family.

If this statement were read very broadly, I could come up with instances where each of us failed the other, but I am quite certain that the author's intention was to mean protect your partner from those of your faith (or lack of) disrespecting your partner because of his/her faith (or lack of).

I hope I would pass this test, but I have never been put to it. Quite simply, I have never felt inclined to join an atheist group, nor have I felt the need to announce my atheism to those few people I have known who are atheists; this has never come up because there has never been any opportunity for it to come up.

On the other hand, Margaret has had to deal with this, and she has been simply amazing every time. When members of her church have been pushy about converting me, she has asked them to leave and not come back. When a member of her church tried to pressure her into putting a picture of Jesus as the centre piece of our family room, she felt no shame in telling said women that we would not be taking the suggestion because it would not be in line with the beliefs of Margaret's husband . Simply put my wife is awesome, and that more than anything is why our marriage works.